Is there GRACE

What IS so amazing about grace?

This question has plagued me for many years and still does to this day. It’s also the title of one of Philip Yancey’s best books, in my humble opinion. But, more importantly, it’s a question that has an answer, to me, that just doesn’t make sense.

I can honestly say I don’t understand grace. Before I go on, I do understand the concept and principle of grace but struggle with how it applies to me. I don’t get that I can be given something for nothing. Maybe it comes from the society I grew up in where there is constant talk of “there is no free lunch”, “you get what you pay for”, “the early bird gets the worm”, and strangely, “an eye for an eye” that leads me to believe I can’t get something for nothing.

I simply can’t wrap my head around the idea that despite my sins and downfalls I am forgiven completely and the slate has been wiped clean. I hear it, yet I can’t feel it. I can’t feel the seriousness and power that this knowledge has.

I understand facts, yet I can’t feel facts. I understand myself to be a “feeler”. I must feel a situation to understand it. I can’t merely hear the facts and run with them, if you will. I must feel the weight of the facts being presented to me. For example, I can read a book regarding the epidemic of poor, improvised children in Haiti who are dying by the truck load, and it will evoke a deep emotional response within me. But, if I were to see these young, hurting children in person, I would empathetically feel the situation. I can guarantee it would change my life forever.

“Feelers” have to feel the things around them before they can truly grasp an understanding of act or behavior. I feel like I have to earn grace, like if I don’t do what is right, I don’t deserve the grace awarded to me. I have to win it! But that is absolutely contrary to what scripture tells me. Why is it that I can’t allow the warm, comforting, love and grace God is handing me to wash me clean of my iniquities and allow His changing power to conform me more into His image? Why is it I constantly battle within my mind, heart, and soul to earn this free gift?

I will never be perfect; I can’t earn grace, it’s free!

Honestly, I am tired. I am tired of fighting for a free gift. There is a constant tug-of-war within me... Frankly, I can’t kick it in the butt. I can’t let down the learned steel, prison door that has been constructed over the years in my heart and mind that continues to tell me that I must earn my way. With grace there is no way to earn or loose anything awarded to me.

There is nothing I can do that will give me more grace from God; conversely, there is nothing I can do to loose the grace God has gifted me. There is undeniably nothing that can take away grace... so why can’t I feel this grace; why can’t I accept grace for what it is? Why can’t I rest in the knowledge of God’s love and grace?

I battle daily with the idea that I must win God’s approval by the things I say, the work I do, and my success in His Kingdom. Further, I think I should step up and take the punishment I deserve for my sins over His grace. I have done much wrong in my life; I have hurt those I care about the most; I have done things I can’t take back, and, at times, I can’t cut loose from the memory of them. I allow them to consume me; I allow myself to face the pain head-on until it breaks me to peaces, until I can no longer look at myself in the mirror. I don’t let go until I see how horrible I am. I don’t want to forget the pain I caused another. This is awful.

I would rather die a sinners death than know that I have caused a life-long scar on a loved one’s heart. I would rather bear the cross than have to live with myself. But, by grace I have been saved. It is not by my own works of the will or my willingness, it is because God loves me, because I believe and trust what He says.

Does this knowledge make it any easier for me to accept an undeserved gift? The answer is no. I want desperately to rest in the grace and love of my redeemer, but I can’t. I know grace comes with no cost to me, but I can’t feel it. Oh, how desperately I want to feel the weight of grace.

Again, I understand the cross. I understand the weight of Jesus’ actions on the cross and what those actions represent to me as a broken sinner, but I can’t feel it. This sacrifice was made over two thousand years ago and I was nowhere it sight. I am confident had I been sitting at the foot of the cross staring up into the eyes of a poor man, Jesus, watching Him die a horrendous and painful death, I would have felt the depth and breadth of grace. But I wasn’t there. For what shall I do to feel this grace? How must I live to feel the depth and breadth of this grace?

Yancey writes, “Grace is not about finishing last or first; it is about not counting. We receive grace as a gift from God, not as something we toil to earn” (Yancey, 1997, p61).

GOTCHA! Grace is a gift we don’t have to earn or work for. I understand... I get it. Conceptually, I get it. On all levels of the hierarchy of knowledge (if there is one), I understand completely. God loves me and He has lavishly given me this awesome gift. Still the question is, “how do I feel this grace?”

Yancey continues, “Yet if I care to listen, I hear a loud whisper from the gospel that I did not get what I deserved. I deserved punishment and got forgiveness. I deserved wrath and got love. I deserved debtor’s prison and got instead a clean credit history. I deserved stern lectures and crawl-on-your-knees repentance; I got a banquet” (Yancey, 1997, p64).

Thank you, Jesus! I didn’t get what I deserved. I didn’t get the cross. I didn’t get the ostracized life I deserve. I was not awarded the punishment I have honestly earned. I was given the opposite of what everything in and around me warrants. I was freed from the slavery of my sin. I was given a gift I do not qualify for. I was given a gift I am not entitled to.

I deserve death. I deserve the flogging. I deserve the cross. I deserve the pain. I deserve the rejection. I deserve the slanderous remarks. I deserve to be seen as worthless and unworthy of others love and care. I deserve the spit in my face. I deserve the pain of seeing someone I love take everything they know about me and throw it back in my face. I deserve everything Christ endured in the last hours of His life on this earth. I deserve it. I deserve it. There is no getting away from it, I deserve the worst.

Grace. I didn’t get what I deserve. I didn’t get what I deserve. I wasn’t flogged or beaten. I didn’t die on a cross. I might have to endure hardship, rejection, or loss of a loved one, but I don’t have to feel that in everything I do. I was saved from this pain and anguish. Why? The only logical conclusion I can come to is this thing we read about called GRACE.

Our reliable Wikipedia calls grace, “the sovereign favor of God for humankind — especially in regard to salvation — irrespective of actions ("deeds"), earned worth, or proven goodness.”

I am starting wrap my head around grace. Don’t mistake my examination as a lack of grateful appreciation and gratitude for grace. I know God’s grace. I know God is good. I know I am forgiven and this is only BY grace, I had nothing to do with it. I know, I know, I know. Oh, Lord, let me feel this grace deep within my bones. Lord, let me see this grace in someone else. I trust you, Lord. Help me see this grace around me.

I understand.