Remembering the past, questioning the present, and excited for the future.

I had the opportunity today to sit and recount the past. After all work projects, cleaning, etc. were done here at Beyond, the guide team visited town. The local coffee shop didn’t know what to do when they saw us...

After grabbing a cold cup of coffee and a comfortable seat, I felt my mind drifting away from that little coffee shop on the sunshine coast of Canada.

My heart and mind were recounting the last weeks, months, and years of my life. God has been so good to me. I confess my life lacks perfection (oh no! The cats out of the bag), but God has perfected my imperfection. Often times I’ve found myself looking at how far I still have to go in my walk. There are things in me that still need work. Thankfully, this afternoon I clearly saw how far I’ve come.

Taking a closer look at my life, I can’t help but tearfully smile. I’ve had the opportunity to have some of the best, most treasured relationships I’ve ever had. They are so rich, flavorful, and awesome. I’ve seen the loving, tender hand of God working around me. WOW!

But in this quiet time I realized I struggle with letting go, relinquishing my power to God, all the while trusting Him to do what’s best.

This is not an easy task. It’s been a move I’ve had to make over-and-over. It keeps coming up, whether large things like where to invest my heart with kids/ ministry, or small thinks like where to work or live; they all take the same level of commitment to “let go.”

There is a song that constantly plays in the back of my mind- somewhat of a soundtrack to my current season of life. Christopher Williams wrote a song named, “When it falls apart,” that echos my feelings of releasing control to God (I’m currently listening to it on my iPod).

It goes something like this:

“When it falls apart the pieces fit but you won’t see it until you’re blinded.

You can’t let it go or hold it tight, when you lose your life you will find it.

In the dark, on my knees is when I hear Him sing to me. Why is the truth so hard

to take. A heart can’t go free until it breaks.”

I can’t help but see the parallels with scripture: “Anyone who loses His life... will find it” (Matt. 16:25).

Boy I wish this was easy. It feels like this is a daily- seemingly hourly- process of honestly letting go, and releasing my control to God. There are so many intricacies to each scenario in life, but it all comes down to my desire to control things. Life begins when I let go. It moves me closer to Christ and releases me from my feeble attempts and doing what is best for me.

Yet strangely my human nature is to resist, to take back control any time I give it up.

My ability to control my life can’t quite reach peak God is on. I know God has my life in his hands. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Shouldn’t I be able to live covered in these facts? Isn’t this knowledge of the facts enough?

Yes and no. My heart tells me yes, God has got you in His hands. My mind -polluted by the propaganda tossed into my lap by society and it’s false immediate gratification- tells me no.

It’s a constant tug-of-war within my heart, soul and mind. I will remain devoted to Christ. He’s got it all under control. ..you have to lose your life and the things you hold so tightly to truly find it..

I’ve found so many great things when I’ve let go...