Apathy

I used to think apathetic was a kind of lazy excuse people used because they wanted to do their own thing and not follow Christ. As of late, as I become more apathetic myself and befriend the feelings and emotions that are married to the word, I understand that apathy is simply a response to the desire to disconnect from the christiany words, ideas, and phrases that I’ve heard numerous times and am growing tired of. I suppose for everyone there is a time in life when everything they hear through the American Western church is tired, redundant and seemingly lifeless. I personally don’t want to hear the same old stuff anymore. Rituals and understanding we created as a country and inserted into the Christian church movement are dead to me. I want fresh, real and authentic appreciation. I want to break away as fast as possible from the Americanized church!.

I believe apathy, if planted correctly, is the seed that grows into new discovery.

Everything I thought to be true is currently in question. Every and all Christian behaviors once carried out under the understanding that I’m obeying God and doing what He desires of me don’t make much sense any longer. If anything, it all seems so hopelessly pointless. Am I going through the motions because that’s the teaching I’ve received from my interactions with Jesus or because that’s the way the institutional church does it?

If I were to rank myself on a spectrum from skeptic to devout Christian follower, I would undoubtably mark myself as a skeptic. Looking back over the last few weeks and months I’m not able to plainly see any reason why this questioning, wondering, and doubting has occurred. I can’t put my finger on anything; it makes no sense.

I went from trusting, believing, and understanding quickly to doubting, questioning, and loss of all understanding, with a side of complete dissatisfaction. Is there a cure to this spiritual ailment or must I accept my new identity as a doubtful skeptic?

I don’t want to be in this place. I want to be free of all this, content with the truth I was presented with years ago. But I can’t choose exactly where or what I am, I simply respond to situations I’m presented with the best I can with the information at hand, and at this time in my life this is where I am.

I do not understand why I doubt. For what I want to believe I can’t believe. And if I doubt and question, I agree that the truth has to be good. As it is, it is no longer my trust in Christ, but my trust in my cognitive, analytical abilities. When I want to simply believe, analyzing and intelligence manifest itself in doubt right there with me.

Deep within me I trust who God is, who Jesus is, and the message they both own. But everything in my being screams, “much of this doesn’t make any sense; there are questions that deserve response!?!” Apathy and I are now very close friends, dependent on one another for this current chapter of life.

At this point in time the remedy for this cold is not doing more, getting more involved, or blindly continuing spiritual disciplines... NO! Every moment I spend going through the motions is a moment of disgust with the Western church’s understanding that I want no part of.

Have mercy on me Lord, but please speak!