I believe there is something beautiful happening outside the coffee shop as I write this; something that I like to think is symbolic of the lives of those who are struggling through life’s difficulty currently. Early this morning a strange storm entered Seattle. With it came high winds, light-to-very-heavy-rain, ice, mixed with intermittent and beautiful sunny, blue skies. What a gorgeous picture of life and it’s difficulty mixed with the periodic smiles, laughs, relationships, enjoyment, and all things that make us excited to be alive! The things that make us really want to believe in and worship a creator.
As I was riding home from work and subsequently walking to ZOKA from my house, I realized something blessed. It sounds seemingly obvious – something that many of us say often; hell, I believe I’ve said it to myself and many around me over the years a number of times. But this time it overcame me as if the spirit softly, yet directly, warmly encouraged my mind’s direction toward this truth: no one can entirely complete me.
I know, right? It seems so obvious, so inexperienced and artless. Yet, even being able to say these words years, months, weeks, hours ago, I now feel these words deeply within me: No one or nothing outside myself can make me whole. My job, girlfriend, wife, family, hobbies, gifts, money, car, house – things can’t bring me to wholeness; nothing outside myself can fill me.
I, personally, don’t want to be reliant in an unhealthy way – depended – on the things that I’ve been gifted with. I don’t want to take things for granted; I want to be brimming with, well, me! I want to know myself, who I am, what makes me tick, my gifts, weaknesses, abilities, desires, how God relates to me, things that make me smile, things that make me cry; I want to get to know Eric, and then I want to accept and love him like I have never before!
If I do not get to know myself fully, I will go throughout my life grabbing whatever thing is offered to me at that current chapter of life – girlfriend, job, money, opportunities, prestige, etc. – grab them so tight and never let them go; suck the life from them in order to fill myself, and then lose them altogether when the excitement wears off. I will proceed to force outside items and people to define me in some sort of way and keep me happy.
Being dependent on others/ things, I assume what job and things I have at some subconscious level decide who I am. If I have them, if I do them, they are in fact me. Take for example, my job. I do not particularly like my job. I would say I believe my job instead of bringing me to life, sucks the life out of me, daily. My position title is ‘Technical Assistant’, which immediately brings a well-known connotation with it (at least to me): “assistant”, which in many minds is below most other people. Therefore, because many view this position as ‘below’ others, I feel below others. If I can’t hold something up in front of me that I am doing, a part of, or someone I’m with boldly and excitedly, I, unfortunately, feel internally worth less.
During my childhood, amongst the many difficulties – including ADD, a lack of friends, abusive brothers, parents who never drew healthy lines between what was acceptable and what was not – I learned early how to prove myself to those around me, namely my brothers who would criticize absolutely everything I ever did. No matter what I did, I was wrong, dumb, stupid, retarded, a fag, gay, worthless, or on a good day just dense.
I would constantly try to earn their respect, not by who I was, but what I was able to do. I was persistently attempting to validate myself. I learned that the only way to be someone or something worthy of love or respect was based on what I could accomplish or how cool something would make me look; however, nothing was ever good enough. In order to survive the atmosphere I was held captive to I learned to be a fraud. A complete fraud!
And to this day I am still, at least partially, a fraud!
I am in part defined by what I do and whom I do it with. What a bittersweet realization. If this is true, I wont be happy – ever. Why? Because there will never be a job or person that doesn’t become normal or everyday; people and jobs inevitably loose their glow or shimmer. As humans we eventually are “everyday people” (those with a job, house, bills, errands, etc.) that must do the things that continue to propel us forward in this society we live in. We must go grocery shopping, me must have a job that the earned income meets or exceed the monthly cost of living. Me must have health benefits at some point because eventually we start to fall apart, we get older, we need this or that.
I suppose my life will be filled with this search for truth. As I look around and see so many who seem to be having so much fun living I begin to tear up. I want freedom from the prison cell I feel enclosed in. I will continue with the hope that with life’s high winds, light-to-very-heavy-rain, and ice, there will be intermittent and beautiful sunny, blue skies! What a gorgeous picture of life and it’s difficulty mixed with the periodic smiles, laughs, relationships, enjoyment, and all things that make us excited to be alive!
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