Thursday, August 19, 2010

Story:



“To serve God is to bring our story to him and allow our life themes to make God’s story known to others.” – Dan Allender


God seems to work in such strange ways?! Each and every one of us has a story, with unique characters, plot, point of view, conflict, struggle, theme, setting, and one day, climax. Every one of us lives currently within the unwritten pages of the remaining chapters of their very own individual, elegant story. And God continues to co-author that narrative alongside us. God continues to use the details of our distinct story to bring us together in community to have unity and life, support and love, growth and development, while inviting others to be active players in our narrative. It’s a delicate and delightful dance between life, who we are, and the living and active God seemingly present in all things.

Looking back over the short number of years I’ve lived, I see many wonderful and also painful memories that have dramatically shaped the paradigm and framework of my life. Everything has played a role in creating me. All elements have meaning; all memories have feeling, emotion… tears. There are many impressions left of pain, abuse, disrespect, and overall heartless and pointless assault upon my precious soul. There are also a number of wonderful, good pages of life within my story that bring joy and excitement when recalled. However, all are parts of the burly foundation of Eric that make him who he is today. And, often if looked at closely in retrospect shows God’s presence in and through them all.

The direction of my story has turned a bit in the last few months. Over the previous three years of life – but more intensely the last year – I’ve fought tooth and nail against the belief in an active, loving, present God in this world. I’ve been quite hostile against everything Christian, religious, Jesus oriented in an attempt to determine the Christian God was not real. For a while I felt like I had a pretty good case against Him (or Her, who really knows). And, this hard work was really paying off: I was lonely, sad, depressed, anxious, confused, angry, cynical, negative, pessimistic… all the wonderful things that make life so easy and exciting, right? ☺


Yet, strangely, things started to transform in me when I least expected it. After a year of some of the most difficult pain and anguish I’ve ever experienced finished sucking my soul and heart dry, I caught sight of my heart opening back up to the possibility of a God that is good, active, caring, and alive in my story. I perceive the good in people again; I get excited for relationship and friendship!

I didn’t create this psychological utopia or will these things to happen… all I can take responsibility for is allowing my heart to be receptive- willing. Then God seemed to walk boldly though the door of my life and brought liveliness and bounce back into my dying bones. I feel like I have a hop in my step once again and I’m not letting go without a fight.

One year ago, someone focal in my story and I were reading Messy Spirituality. In the concluding paragraph of the book, the author while talking about believing in God makes the statement, “If you think God doesn’t love you, try to walk away; try to turn your back on Him.” We both tried. We both moved in the opposite direction of God in many ways. Yet, strangely, it seems perhaps we tried and failed. Strangely, it seems even in trying we couldn't get away. There was something deep within pulling us back.

This last three years has been a pivotal part of my narrative, my story. In the last year my dad has been diagnosed with Lou Gering’s disease, most of my family relationships have been severed in an attempt to be healthy, I’ve lacked real loving and supportive community, I’ve felt alone and lost, I’ve hurt someone I dearly love and respect, I’ve worked a job I feel has taken away part of my natural love and care for people… it’s been a rough and painful few chapters.

Yet I see now how my pain and my experience can show so clearly the beauty of God (I honestly can’t believe I’m saying this). I believe serving God in this world takes our personal and meaningful stories and invites those around us into the plot, giving others freedom to pick up the pen and put ink on paper. Releasing my story into this world allows light to shine on some very dark pieces of my life. Opening the cover shows God’s fingerprints on the pages of my life, and perhaps can encourage the freedom upon others around me to crawl into and share their magnificent story.

What are you going to do with your story?

In love,
Eric

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Action:

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” - 1 john 3:18

Love is a wonderfully controversial topic, leaving the delicate mystery and part of the unknown intertwined within. To love someone with action, as well as with words, takes energy, perseverance, and a willingness to move forward. The author of 1 John made a certainly brave claim: don't fail to love by using just words, words that can quickly turn empty and unoccupied; show love through action- work.

Contrary to popular believe, when I was a youngster I was quite the hyperactive difficult little Mann. Every and all behavior seemed to be against authority figures – mom and dad. More often than not I would completely disregard anything my mom would tell me to do, and often that would hurt her deeply. I’d soon see the impact of my actions on her, see the hurt, and I would quickly try to turn around and “fix” things. “Mom, I’m sorry. I love you so much. I really love you. You are the best mom I've ever seen”

I would say these words as if they were the mend and restore all things preset. I was under the impression that telling someone you love them takes away all pain, suffering, heart-ache, anger, frustration… this was not the case. My mom would confront me with truth. She would say, “Eric, you always tell me you love me, but try showing me you love me. You never show love to me.”

Powerful and poignant words have never rang truer. I could and can say all the empty words I want in an attempt to convice those around me that I love them. However, in the end, if my words and my behavior don’t match-up, then my words mean nothing and my idea of love is a blowing in the wind. SImply put: they contradict one another.

My hearts desire is to love with my behavior; I desire to love with my action. To do this takes time, energy, and work. It also takes focusing on the needs of others, believing with faith in hope. Following. But who ever said loving other people was an easy task?

LOVE DOES WIN.

Eric

Monday, August 16, 2010

Comm-UNITY:


It’s been quite some time since the last blog posting (over four months!); honestly, I’ve not been in a place within my heart, mind, and emotions where I could offer anything up for thought… It’s been a really rough year. Life started to throw me lemons and I never learned exactly how to make lemonade.

I write this entry with new and thrilling excitement. I don’t believe that which has been the most difficult in my life has changed all that much, but I do believe the God that is present in all things has allowed me to see my life from an entirely different perspective: I’ve had a soft yet forceful paradigm shift. Things don’t look the same any longer and I straddle the line between crying out for more of this gifted perspective and fear that life and the incredible pain and discomfort of this world will steal it away from me once again- but I want to desperately cling to hope; I'm not letting go again!

A friend of mine handed me a quote recently that really hit home:

I sought my God, but my God I could not see.
I sought my soul, but my soul eluded me.
I sought my brother and I found all three.
- Unknown Author


As of late I’ve put much sweat and tears into the idea of community. I desire a real experience within an authentic community of people, and I wish to put all of myself into this with no knowledge of what how it will turn out, and with full understanding that I could be seriously hurt. I believe we see the full picture of God when we look at others, when we look outwardly in an ‘other’s focused’ mentality. I’m not suggesting we should disregard ourselves or turn off our personal and real needs. What I am purposing is 1) offering ourselves fully to others and 2) engaging fully with a group of people in unity for the purpose of love, life, personal growth, knowing one another, and knowing God.

Romans 12:9-21 seems it could be interpreted for relationships. The author mentions love being sincere, turning away from evil, devoting ourselves to brotherly love, honoring others above ourselves (however not ignoring our own needs), moving toward hope, joy and prayer, sharing with those in need, blessing those we don’t agree with, rejoicing, living at peace with everyone, and overcoming evil with good.

What a powerful and poignant picture of unity within community! What a honestly beautiful and intoxicating and colorful canvas. The fundamental truth is that we are all in desperate need of community; we all want to be invited in, included, accepted fully for who we are without judgment. We are relational beings created to be in relationship with others.

The caveat is that we are also all unique and different people. We all have different life experiences, families, hearts, emotions, and intelligence. Where some of us are funny, quick, serious, annoying, aggressive, fun, laid-back… others are not; others may have completely opposite character, behavior, worldview... We are an eclectic bunch. However, we are a bunch that has been made to be in unity with one another, and I want to be a part of this movement.

I’m not quite sure what that looks like entirely. But I know I want to move toward this with all that I have to offer. I am ready to give. I am eager to step out and put myself on the line knowing I may not receive that which I desire. I’m ready to risk, to hope, and to seek; I'm ready to follow. I'm ready to see the God present in all things do miracles in the lives of those around me.

Sincerely,
Eric

Friday, April 9, 2010

A LIFELONG PROCESS

“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” – Philippians 1:5-6


I’ve currently been learning about family dynamics, boundaries, and how to be a healthier version of me around my immediate family within my boundaries and in a way that still shows love. This is and continues to be an extremely painful and unpleasant experience. There is no easy way to go about this. These lessons can’t be learned overnight, nor can the relationships that make it so hard to be a part of be changed at all or entirely in one lifetime.

However, I do - somewhere inside me - believe that God has started a ‘good work’ in me and will continue that process throughout my life – if I chose to accept my responsibility in this process and continue to be willing to examine myself within the relationships and communities I am a part of. I do think it’s imperative that one understands that this is not an easy or comfortable endeavor. In complete honesty, one is signing up for a world of difficulty, yet this difficulty shows one they are truly alive (at least in my opinion)!

Hope does come with the understanding that this is a lifelong process and I will never be 1) complete and done, and 2) fixed or cured.

I think –obviously because it’s me writing this- that this scripture is not necessarily communicating that God is working mysteriously in the background of my life in a way that advances my mental, emotional, or spiritual growth; I do believe we, as contributors in the circumstances, are responsible to step into this struggle and own ourselves enough to allow that process to continue throughout our life, as Paul claims through these words.

This means that we must humble ourselves in a way that lowers the barricades we’ve constructed in front of our real selves.

Stand united in community, surrounded by those who truly love you, learning about yourself and God, knowing things get worse before they get better.

Good luck to me and to you.

Amen.

Friday, April 2, 2010

ONE MORE STEP FORWARD



I believe there is something beautiful happening outside the coffee shop as I write this; something that I like to think is symbolic of the lives of those who are struggling through life’s difficulty currently. Early this morning a strange storm entered Seattle. With it came high winds, light-to-very-heavy-rain, ice, mixed with intermittent and beautiful sunny, blue skies. What a gorgeous picture of life and it’s difficulty mixed with the periodic smiles, laughs, relationships, enjoyment, and all things that make us excited to be alive! The things that make us really want to believe in and worship a creator.

As I was riding home from work and subsequently walking to ZOKA from my house, I realized something blessed. It sounds seemingly obvious – something that many of us say often; hell, I believe I’ve said it to myself and many around me over the years a number of times. But this time it overcame me as if the spirit softly, yet directly, warmly encouraged my mind’s direction toward this truth: no one can entirely complete me.

I know, right? It seems so obvious, so inexperienced and artless. Yet, even being able to say these words years, months, weeks, hours ago, I now feel these words deeply within me: No one or nothing outside myself can make me whole. My job, girlfriend, wife, family, hobbies, gifts, money, car, house – things can’t bring me to wholeness; nothing outside myself can fill me.


I, personally, don’t want to be reliant in an unhealthy way – depended – on the things that I’ve been gifted with. I don’t want to take things for granted; I want to be brimming with, well, me! I want to know myself, who I am, what makes me tick, my gifts, weaknesses, abilities, desires, how God relates to me, things that make me smile, things that make me cry; I want to get to know Eric, and then I want to accept and love him like I have never before!

If I do not get to know myself fully, I will go throughout my life grabbing whatever thing is offered to me at that current chapter of life – girlfriend, job, money, opportunities, prestige, etc. – grab them so tight and never let them go; suck the life from them in order to fill myself, and then lose them altogether when the excitement wears off. I will proceed to force outside items and people to define me in some sort of way and keep me happy.

Being dependent on others/ things, I assume what job and things I have at some subconscious level decide who I am. If I have them, if I do them, they are in fact me. Take for example, my job. I do not particularly like my job. I would say I believe my job instead of bringing me to life, sucks the life out of me, daily. My position title is ‘Technical Assistant’, which immediately brings a well-known connotation with it (at least to me): “assistant”, which in many minds is below most other people. Therefore, because many view this position as ‘below’ others, I feel below others. If I can’t hold something up in front of me that I am doing, a part of, or someone I’m with boldly and excitedly, I, unfortunately, feel internally worth less.

During my childhood, amongst the many difficulties – including ADD, a lack of friends, abusive brothers, parents who never drew healthy lines between what was acceptable and what was not – I learned early how to prove myself to those around me, namely my brothers who would criticize absolutely everything I ever did. No matter what I did, I was wrong, dumb, stupid, retarded, a fag, gay, worthless, or on a good day just dense.

I would constantly try to earn their respect, not by who I was, but what I was able to do. I was persistently attempting to validate myself. I learned that the only way to be someone or something worthy of love or respect was based on what I could accomplish or how cool something would make me look; however, nothing was ever good enough. In order to survive the atmosphere I was held captive to I learned to be a fraud. A complete fraud!

And to this day I am still, at least partially, a fraud!

I am in part defined by what I do and whom I do it with. What a bittersweet realization. If this is true, I wont be happy – ever. Why? Because there will never be a job or person that doesn’t become normal or everyday; people and jobs inevitably loose their glow or shimmer. As humans we eventually are “everyday people” (those with a job, house, bills, errands, etc.) that must do the things that continue to propel us forward in this society we live in. We must go grocery shopping, me must have a job that the earned income meets or exceed the monthly cost of living. Me must have health benefits at some point because eventually we start to fall apart, we get older, we need this or that.

I suppose my life will be filled with this search for truth. As I look around and see so many who seem to be having so much fun living I begin to tear up. I want freedom from the prison cell I feel enclosed in. I will continue with the hope that with life’s high winds, light-to-very-heavy-rain, and ice, there will be intermittent and beautiful sunny, blue skies! What a gorgeous picture of life and it’s difficulty mixed with the periodic smiles, laughs, relationships, enjoyment, and all things that make us excited to be alive!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

HOPE AND JOY AS WE TRUST




“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you my overflow with the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” – Romans 15:13


I do believe that God and trust go hand-in-hand, however, perhaps, not as we’ve been taught to see it growing up. Though I wish not to sound or appear or feel like an American, conservative, fundamentalist, fluffy Christian, I’m aware believing anything about who Christ was - who he is - can place me straddling the border between Christ’s truth – the heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control -and fluffy Christianity; these two are juxtaposed. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t truly follow after the heart of God without – even in part – sounding or looking like the very type of Christian I highly regard with distaste.

However, I’ve learned that, we, as people, as those looking for the Spiritual realm within this world - and how we relate - can see what we distaste so immensely and throw it all out with one fell swoop. Without full knowledge of what our behavior proclaims or the impact it will have on our being – heart, soul, mind; we throw it all out because we don’t wish to be like any of the fluffy, fundamentalist, evangelical, hypocritical Christian people who pervade this Christian community*.

In essence, we “throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Yet, what are we risking by taking all of our belief system and tossing it out, abandoning that framework that is deep with in us, taking hold of it, and then ridding ourselves of the very thing that likely makes us who we are?

There seems to be a large risk that comes with this behavior, and honestly I believe I’ve seen it in myself. The tendency is to attempt to run away from that which does not fit any longer into the mold which we’ve had created over the many years of life on this earth. We try to fit the proverbial block into the circular hole, and today it no longer fits! Therefore, there must be something seriously wrong with our line of thinking, our beliefs, faith, God, people, etc.. And from this emerge a time of doubt, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, guilt, resentment, bitterness, and an overwhelming feeling that perhaps we’ve been lied to.

Unfortunately – and I speak with a bit of authority on this topic – this is a circle with no end. There really doesn’t seem to be any point in which everything reverses back to the “way things were” or an easier time in life when all the pieces seemed to fit together so well. The circle continues to be a part of our journey; day-by-day we address the very things that cause us emotional, mental, and spiritual anxiety.

I believe I may be beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. It appears I may be getting closer to approaching faith and God, and how they relate to me in this very disgusting and painful world. I think I’m reaching a new level in my spiritual journey. I think I’m moving toward a new stage of spiritual maturity.

Paul’s quote from the book of Romans reminds us: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you my overflow with the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” May he? YES! PLEASE! HE MAY! I believe there is some very mystifying truth in this joy and peace as we trust. What do we trust in? How do we know we have this joy and peace? How does the Holy Spirit show itself? Himself? Herself, as the case may be?

Maybe in previous stages of my faith I would have interpreted Paul’s verse differently than I do today. I may have pictured God filling me with joy and peace – a picture similar to a visit to the gas station, placing the nozzle into the gas tank, and filling the tank to the brim. I would have pictured some sort of spiritual agreement – obviously implied (by me) – that if I trust in a non-visible entity I will be gifted/ awarded hope, possibly from this Holy Spirit. My outlook was likely incorrect, yet my entire Christian life has been filled with a picture of God painted like the one I just mentioned.

Today, though, I interpret this very beautiful, eloquent, honest, and powerful scripture verse through a soft heart and a willing mind- though different than a few years previous. I filter it through my life experience, and it doesn’t seem to fit into my previously well-crafted God-box; it appears my faith has matured as I have grown. Now, I would say that I trust – in the big picture - everything is going to be OK. Whether it looks good or seems good, I know it’s OK. My trust has nothing to do with the words I spout out of my mouth or the ability to convince others (or myself) of this ultimate truth, it is softly, quietly residing deep within me, reminding me: it’s going to be OK. This subsequently is followed with hope. Hope that there is good in this world, even amongst the evil and darkness. I have hope that the smallest acts of good will outweigh, someday, the largest acts of evil (“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21). I have hope that as I trust, as my heart becomes softer towards those who need a friend, a shoulder, a conversation, or a relationship, that the acts of relational love that come along with that will fill me with joy and peace as I see a mysterious, spiritual encounter occur between myself and others.

These relationships are where I see God become real: R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P-S. Relationships. Real, authentic, caring, reaching-out-to-people relationships that ARE Gods love in this world.

Amen.

*Many of these people are not inherently bad people. They are often very sweet, kind, caring folks. These statements have nothing to do with their kindness or care for others whatsoever. This is simply a picture of a group of people that act a certain Christian way.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

LOWER THE PERSONA

I seem to live in a world that is filled with people who possess false, well crafted behavior and attempt at appearing full with life, hope, and energy. But is seems much of this is a façade and not what many of these people are really feeling at all. It appears they are deeply yearning for more in their core, but something is stopping this from happening. There is a block in front of them, seemingly surrounding them, that prevents them from being truly loving, truly kind, truly giving, truly forgiving, truly selfless, truly accepting of others. I know this because I suffer from this very systemic virus myself- this public persona.

Why? If we are even in small part honestly pursuing a life like the figure Jesus from Gospel accounts cant we lower, slightly, the façade and allow the power of the life and lessons of Jesus envelope us to a point of true life, hope, and energy? Should we not just do this with people we like or want to be around but with those who are not accepted, not welcomed into community, and often ignored? Could we change the world by accepting those we see in this world crying out for love and friendship? Can we stop doing the easy things in life and start doing that which seems so damn difficult!?! Can we move more toward downward mobility – including reaching out to those who seem they need a true friend – and stop trying to be so cool or suave, and accomplish a small part of the change this world needs to see?

I hope so. I deeply, deeply hope we can stop the bullshit and start honestly treating others the way we desire to be treated.

One of my favorite authors and a respected voice in my life, Dr. M. Scott Peck, wrote very eloquently on the topic of the Evil that surrounds us in this world has spoken yet again with a powerful punch. He argued that isn’t it a wonder, more importantly, that there is any actual good on this earth? We often are so curious why there is Evil present – “Why did this bad thing happen or that bad thing happen? The world is not supposed to be like this.”- but Peck questions why there is any good at all hovering around us. If we look around, it makes perfect sense there is Evil, it appears to be the natural progression of growth here on earth. Yet, good… good is not seemingly natural; it appears outside the norm. It appears to be something added to the life equation.

I remembered something about myself this early morning. Similar to the good I desire to see all around me amongst the Evil… I was made to see, notice, and love those who others don’t believe are worth loving, those who are ignored or fall into the category I’ve heard a number of times said by a certain group, “We don’t have to like everyone.” I learned that if I concentrate on the Evil mentioned above, if I only look at those who continue to hurt me, or those who are doing many of the behaviors and acts I believe to be Evil, I will ultimately implode causing all that I am to fall apart, for there is no fix for the Evil. Evil will continue despite my best intentions or actions. However, acts of love, moving toward the good, they will change the world. I will move toward those I see so deeply seeking a friend, a shoulder, a hug, an acknowledgment of their presence, or an invitation to hang out or go to a movie, or… perhaps just welcomed into something*.

Move towards those who need real love… just like me.

*I know only one other person in my life who shares this very view of concentrating on the good, and loving those who are so often ignored. I believe she will continue to be the wonderful and beautiful change in this world and impact those around her who have been left out.

Friday, February 26, 2010

THE SHADOW



The shadow, as Carl Jung dubbed it, “is a composite of personal characteristics and potentialities of which the individual is unaware.” This dark and ominous black cloud that follows each-and-every one of us, though looking strikingly different, “contains inferior characteristics and weaknesses that the ego’s self-esteem will not permit it to recognize..” (Wallace, p. 21) which is distinct to each individual.

These characteristics, as Jung contends, reveal themselves at what seems like the most inopportune times, through projections. Projections, as Jung defined them, are “an unconscious, automatic process whereby an unconscious content transferred itself to an object and seemed to belong to it” (Wallace, p. 21).

Projections can, and should, be combated with all one has within him/herself; they can internally murder oneself without the possessor ever consciously aware of the death. Jung goes on to say, “while the shadow is projected, the individual can, as one analysts has said, ‘hate and condemn freely the weakness and evil he sees in others, while maintaining his own sense of righteousness” (Wallace, p. 21). Projections of the shadow seem to be steps toward 1) internal death to the psyche. 2) the backsliding of one’s personal and psychological growth 3) the easy, selfish out from under the heavy burden of self.

I confess I have a very difficult list of things I currently struggle with that cause my most important relationships much difficulty. On that list is selfishness, impatience, judgement, and anger. It seems there is something so very deep inside me that causes me to be troublesome. These internal things kick and scream telling me lies that the world and evil has somehow convinced me of. I can’t help but think of the very real and deeply psychological (amazingly perceptive at the time) words of St. Paul:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it” (Romans 7:15-20).


Life is not easy; there are no ifs, ands, or buts- life is very, very hard. We live in a world caked in misery, suffering, disappointment, hate, evil, and unfairness. There is well-founded truth to the proverbial saying, “nice guys finish last.” Further, many – nice, kind, meek, and humble – finish dead last or don’t have an opportunity to finish at all. The immediate following question comes to mind: “why try at all in this life?”

I suppose the truth may be found here: “to love oneself is to accept oneself – ‘just as I am,’ which, as an old evangelical hymn suggests, is the way God accepts us. Then, having accepted ourselves, we can accept others, just as they are. Then we can truly withdraw our projections. One is reminded of Jesus’ admonition, ‘Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye [or sister’s- sorry, T], but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?’ (Matt. 7:3) Jung said that all gaps in our actual knowledge are filed out with projections, to be conscious of the shadow to the extent that one knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in oneself. To learn to deal with one’s own shadow is to do something real for the world. Such a person, Jung said, ‘has succeeded in shouldering at least a infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day.’ Jung saw the task of individuation as a process continuing throughout life. As we continue to withdraw projections, we continue to recognize and accept aspects of ourselves that we had not seen before” (p. 48, emphasis added).

It becomes more evident daily: there is not one solid, one-sentence easy catch phrase that encompasses the point of life. However, there are many little, powerful things each one of us can do that allow for a better world, and I must believe that, in some way, this is a part or whole of the purpose of this life. The process of knowing thy self is a very arduous and tender, aching, nasty, unpleasant procedure, at times- seemingly never-ending - and perhaps increasingly painful one. One thing, without fail, always leads to another and, I would argue, there seems to be a moment in time for each person when the question must be asked, “is it worth it!?! is this horrendous pain worth it!?!”

There may be some sliver of hope, or light, at the end of the tunnel. With self-awareness comes a new beginning and a eye-opening experience that may be too much for many to accept and live with. This actualization process leaves me personally wishing I were ignorant to the world and the many problems surrounding me; more importantly blind to my own personal issues. Ignorance is bliss, they say. For some strange reason, I must live veilless, without any unconscious, subconscious, or conscious garment covering my eyes and preventing me from encountering difficulty and truth. I know I have many, many problems.

“’Know thyself,’ Socrates taught. As a life moves toward a close (the ‘second half,’ as Jung calls it), the urgency to proceed with this kind of understanding increases. An individual who neglects this task or turns away from it- refusing to undertake the inward journey of understanding- begins to behave awkwardly, or may be troubled with an illness that no medicine seems to cure. Instead of becoming acquainted with the ‘woman within,’ for example, (the anima, as Jung called it), a man may find himself divorcing his wife of many years and chasing after other women. This is the literalistic, materialistic distortion of his own messages from the unconscious. It is an ineffective way of dealing with the problem of opposites” (p. 49).

What should we do? What is our responsibility as humans who roam this earth? Are we better off unaware ricocheting around in this life like a ball bearing bouncing around during a pinball game? What is the point and why does it seem only a select few of us are struggling with these weighted topics!?!

Know thyself, combat the shadow, obliterate the projections, and learn to live a life of meaning in the small things- that’s what we have! To look at anything larger than that may just be too much for such a small mind to wrestle with.

What are YOU willing to give up to know thyself?


Sources Cited:

Clift, Wallace B. (1986) Jung and Christianity, The Challenge of Reconciliation. The Crossroads Publishing Company, New York, New York.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Religiosity



It was once shared from the mouth of Gandhi, “Religions are different roads converging upon the same point. What does it matter that we take different roads as long as we reach the same goal?”

During the genesis of my Christian faith, I was taught - and believed - that Christ was the only way to God, that Christianity was the truth and all other religions and versions of Christianity were erroneous or in absolute opposition to the true gospel. I believed that those who don’t adopt the belief system/ framework of Christianity will end up in Hell melting in the fiery heat for eternity. Today, I sincerely disagree.

I no longer believe we can fit God into a box, or in a book- even the Bible! It is my contention that American Christianity, organized Christianity, evangelical Christianity teach inaccurate doctrine; thus, leaving many – at least those who eventually crawl out of the coffin or fluffy religion – to feel betrayed, lied to, and in so many ways alone in a dark and ominous cloud of questions and doubt.

I speak with authority, for I am currently (and have been for the last couple years) precariously poised on the line between believer and non-believer in any version of Christianity. This mental dichotomy between Jesus and his son-of-God teachings and the very real mistakes, misquotes, misinterpretation, and seeming errors in text, which is the very thing we use to create our picture of God and the attributes He holds, feels like a continual ripping of a scab from my mental and emotional skin.

I can't seem to get a footing any longer in this belief system. Every attempt and firmly placing my heart, mind, or soul in a strong foothold of the soil of belief in God explodes underneath my feet when other, very real and powerful, truth comes crashing down from above. It seems truth has taken on a very different look this last couple years. There doesn’t seem to be any absolute truth nearby staring back at me as I look longingly.

Honestly, I wish I were completely free of any doubt or reason. I wish I were ignorant of wonder. I want a foundation; I want framework. However, I do realize things will get better. One day I will believe… in something.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Serendipity

Currently I am coming to the closing of my second read-through of The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck, and, again, he’s painted a wonderful image and conveyed well this image of an elegant yet delicate illustration of serendipity, or “an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. (dictionary.com)”

Peck’s conclusion, to which I heartily agree, clarifies for me the details of the periphery of happenstance or coincidence with reference to prayer; Peck’s understanding is far more beautiful and leaves room for the mind to wonder, dream, hope, and anticipate.

Within the last year, I’ve given up on many of the Christian-taught ideas on the topic of prayer; moreover, I’ve given up on the way I’ve seen and believed prayer/answer-to-prayer works. My divorced thoughts have left me believing all that happens to us or around us following a prayer is not answer to prayer; what we ‘’see’’ or ‘’notice’’ after we verbalize or vociferate a prayer is what we look for. We see what we want to see. Our minds create what we need to see. We, in some fashion or form, create the answer to prayer we are looking so eagerly for, sometimes having to add or subtract some element of the request to God due to the answer in front of us not exactly lining up with our original appeal. The “answer” could look drastically different. And, in order to make sense of this varying answer we must look at our prayer in a way that keeps God out from under the umbrella of blame, fault, or responsibility, or in some way appearing as he may be ignoring us; for example, perhaps the prayer we originally submitted wasn’t exactly what we “needed” but more what we “wanted” (that’s a common statement in the Christian community). Therefore, God can change it one way or the other in accordance to his “will,” and in order to keep us selfless and moving towards the direction of downward mobility, and in doing so, exonerates or absolves Him from blame when, if we look close enough, the prayer was not truly answered at all. But if our prayer wasn’t answered, what is the action in front of us? I see something, right?

I’ve been chalking much of these and ideas like these mentioned above to coincidence or happenstance (and sometimes to physiological need to hear our God speak or act); Peck calls it serendipity. What a much more poignant, potent, beautiful way of looking at the world of spirituality. Coincidence feels more personal superimposing the definition of serendipity atop it. This idea doesn’t give me the desire to thank God for whatever happens to “answer my prayer” but does give me hope and desire to take a deep breath and realize how fortunate I am: lucky, well-off, taken care of, protected, safe; I’ve got an amazing life – even on the worst day. And all the little serendipitous things I encounter along the path of life, I’ll stop, take a deep breath, and be thankful in the depth of my heart- my being; this is what I hope God wants of me- truly being thankful for the life I’m living. Not simply doing lip service by saying the words “thank you” but living a life that shout the words “I’m thankful to be alive! I am thankful for all that I have!”

Serendipity… roughly, the gift - beautiful gift- of an unsought, unsearched, much needed response to our hearts hope.

Today is a new day, new breath, new life, new opportunity; with new adventure and new hope.

Amen.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Why can’t we crawl out of the abyss we’ve created?

I’ve recently been thinking quite a bit about the way we - Christians - behave, why, and what the reason is that we do the things we do. Amongst the many questions bouncing around in my head is the topic, why do we pray the way we pray? Where did we get the idea and picture of prayer? I can already see the rebuttal forming now: “It’s the way Jesus taught us to pray; it’s what is commanded of us in the Gospel; you are precariously leaning over the border toward heresy... careful Eric...”

I’m not quite sure I agree any longer with the idea that Jesus taught us or commanded us to pray a certain way (within reason, of course; he did outline an understanding of how certain prayer can work); furthermore, I would argue that prayer is used incorrectly and thought of in ways that create a erroneous picture of the Christ I believe works in and through this world; it seems to paint a portrait of Christ as a genie or cosmic vending machine where we somehow have convinced ourselves that we can have anything we ask of God. Additionally, when reality does hit and our prayers are apparently ignored there is a defense, a theodicy if you will, that removes God from being at fault or in any way blameworthy. “Ask and you shall receive”, right? So what must we believe if are prayers aren’t answered, if we seen ignored or forgotten? What happens when the parent we are praying for healing from cancer is not healed, but dies a very uncomfortable death?

Personally, I contend fully with the idea that we can pray for anything from God and truly, unsullied expect God to respond sending our way the desired response, object, or request. Why, oh why do we cause ourselves such pain? Why do we want so badly our God to be a genie? Why have we painted the picture that God does miracles all the time?

Could we have fabricated an idea or prayer based on what we want God to be as a god, how we want him to respond, and/or who we want God to be to us? What if the way we live our life is the most unadulterated, real, and pure prayer- what if much of prayer is completely nonverbal? If scripture does describe the God we follow, does God not undeniably know the real prayer of our hearts? For example, I’ve spend many hours of my life praying orally, thinking about many of the words I should say, thinking about the topics I should cover, making sure my words are eloquent and sharp, all the while stealthily communicating messages to the people I’m praying with, and making myself look articulate and well read.

What good is that!?! Do I honestly think God hears that inauthentic spouting off of words over the true cry of my heart, what my heart is saying below the surface of those superficial christiany words? No. I believe God hears those persuasive, smooth-tongued words and weeps, wanting so badly for me to connect to the spirit in real ways, sharing real feelings, and coming metaphorically naked before him. Enough! Enough. Enough. I desire to wholeheartedly connect to the heart of God whatever it takes. I want to know him, I want to hear him, I want to touch the inmost parts of my God!

I have been plagued with a mind that can’t unfussily accept the way things are... I want more, whether understanding or insight: I need more. I desperately want to grasp - to the best of my ability- the truth! I’m tired of the great dichotomy between what Christianity has become in America and what I think God desperately wants from us.

One of the many books I’m reading currently (oh, so many books to read and so little time to fit them all in) is Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. For those who have read this book there may be many mixed feelings from topic-to-topic and/or overall on the subject of spirituality. However, truth does often come disguised as contrary to the way things are as we understand them.

All that to say, Yaconelli uses a story about his encounter with a woman he considered “a deeply spiritual lady..” who “..spent hundreds of weeks in silent retreat...saturated with her faith... you could almost smell God when she came into the room. (p.25)” During their conversation the topic of prayer floated across the table. Yaconelli mentioned his embarrassment to be sitting at a table with a person who spends so much time in prayer when he spends so little- barely ten minutes a week, to be exact.

The woman’s eyes burned with anger. She quickly reacted to his statement: “Oh, Mike, knock it off. First of all, you don’t spend every day with me. You don’t know me at all. You are comparing what you know about yourself to what you don’t know about me. Secondly, I battle depression daily, and it has won during several periods of my life. I never told you about it. I don’t have a family; I like to be alone and silent. Trust me, I am just as ‘spiritual’ as you are. (p.25)”

Directly following this rebuttal, the woman gently added, “You think about God all the time, right? Thinking about God is being with God. Being with God is spirituality. Thinking about God is praying. (p.25)”

Though, in my opinion, there is no one way to pray or is there an all encompassing form or prayer, this statement stands out as the most basic, however loaded, way to connect through prayer to God, yet I feel we attempt earnestly to clutter and complicate prayer and the spiritual life. What if our life is our prayer and faith and hope come with the faith that we don’t need to convince God of anything through our prayers but simply trust with faith that our life’s prayer is being heard, that God will do with us the best thing for his children and our relationship with him? What if we could cut out a lot of the theatrics and figuratively and/or literally drop to our knees in front of Jesus?

What if?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

What is Truth?

Does the question ever cross your mind: what is truth? It seems like a pointless and intrusive question, right? This question and many more have crawled across my mind many times the last few months as I attempt to put the very disarranged pieces of life’s puzzle together in my heart, mind, and soul. Relative truth seems like a luxury I can no longer afford to invest in. I will claim, overall, that ignorance is superb bliss, whereas real growth comes through the deconstruction of our relative truth and enrichment through enlightenment due to the shattering of ignorance.

It’s my belief we all grow up with our own personal, relative version of truth; socialization, life experience, family raising and background, questions and struggles, religion, and education all play an important role in determining our idea of absolute truth. We all seem to be disabled by our biases and preconceived notions when coming to any table for discussion or debate over what truth actually is. One example is how we all enter the Bible (if, in fact, you do read the Bible): we all stare earnestly into the same text and somehow interpret and understand passages in immensely different ways, often standing boldly on our understanding of certain passages or teachings, and often maintaining our personal accuracy or correctness. Why do we claim to know the truth; the truth that is the absolute truth; the truth that is not the truth someone else claims while belonging to some other god, some other religion, but our version of the truth?

I guarantee I’m not the first person to wonder what truth really is (actually, Socrates from 477-399 BCE loved to struggle through similar questions. He was known to ask abstract questions like, “What is beauty?” “What is Goodness?” and so on), and if I can know what it is, how do I know that what I call ‘real truth’ is truth at all? Frankly, what I vociferate as truth someone else will dispute; what one calls truth another calls fiction. Each view is respectfully relative to the particular person or group claiming said truth. In many cases, we develop truth based on our desire, gathered from various places or teachings and morally relative to what we believe truth should be. We will not agree on truth; we will never agree because we do not concur with one another; we are right, and they are wrong.

When asked the very question ‘what is truth’, Paul Copan, PH.D. stated, “I think people instinctively understand that truth is a belief, story, ideal, or statement that matches up with reality or corresponds to the way things really are.” Copan continues with this example: “If I say the moon is made of cheese, that’s false because there isn’t a correspondence, or a match-up, with the way things really are… Something is true – or corresponds to reality – even if people don’t believe it” (The Case for the Real Jesus, 2007, p.453). Coplan’s argument includes the idea of antiquity that if one were to travel far enough s/he would reach the end of the earth and could possible fall off- a true belief at one point. Does this mean that at that time the earth was flat because people believed it was? Was absolute truth at that time, with minimal cartography, and no real perspective on the earth correct? Apparently not! It’s always been round, whether this was known and believed as truth or not. Simply because we don’t have perspective and understanding on a particular topic or issue does not imply we are seeing truth.

Believe it or not, truth is truth whether people acknowledge it or not. It doesn’t lack to be truth because it’s not accepted. Truth is truth even in situations when no one knows it’s truth- whether they want to believe it or not. Unfortunately, all around us truth has become a whatever-works-for-you mentality leaving no room for authentic truth but subjective personal truth; this specific following has been deemed by scholars as moral relativism, or more closely individualist ethical subjectivism.

Circling back to the point: what is truth? The Bible unmistakably states in John 14.6 that Jesus is the truth. Written throughout the synoptic Gospel and John we see the running theme that Jesus - the Son of God - is the truth. His way is the way. What does that say for Buddhists, Muslims, Mormons and other religions claiming to know the truth; are Christians’ right and all other religions wrong? Are Christians wrong and Mormons right? Are…. Someone is right; consequently, the remaining few are wrong.

Thus far I have claimed that it is improbable, moreover, impossible for all religions to be right; therefore, if we stand fixed on the idea there is a God- a Creator, there can only be one truth. There cannot be numerous truths.

Who’s right? We all claim absolute certainty we stand firmly on the one belief that is truth? What must we do when we do realize what absolute truth is? Or, what if someone we love doesn’t agree with our version of truth?

You tell me.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Believing that or believing in?

It’s rather strange the things I doubt, the reasons for my skepticism. I don’t have trouble with the fact that Jesus was the incarnate; I don’t struggle with the idea that Jesus is the son of God who was sent to earth; I don’t doubt who Jesus was and is, as well as who God is; I don’t wonder how or if Jesus was raised from the dead; I don’t question if Jesus has the power to heal, save, or change a person’s life; I don’t debate that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light, that he came to die on a cross to die for our sins. I don’t have any reservations about these things. Strangely, these are the facts that are easy for me to stand on.

What I do absolutely and without hesitancy argue includes everything else: all facts, irregularities, Aramaic, Greek, and Hebrew to English translations, differences in language and culture, biblical stories and contradictions, miracles, prayer, how and if God works, what he really expects of us, the Western church movement, religion and anything else that the word Christianity and it’s beliefs entails.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m in a horrible place with my faith. I surely doubt much of the beliefs so many of us profess every Sunday without question. I confess I believe much of the behavior and ritual we all perform regularly are creations of the Western Church, much of which we could all go without. But, overall I would conclude that there is some meaning to this madness that God is doing something in and through this mess I would call my life. Though I am not the only person in history to struggle- scratch that word choice- flounder in my faith, I do think there is a bit of a difference in the depth of my questioning and searching that may have not been present in many other believers quests.

I hope my quest doesn’t leave me following some mythical creature over Christ or worshiping a shrine of pictures cut out from magazines of TV soap actors instead of Yahweh, but in order to grow deeper in understanding of God I must reach to the depths of this sea of questions and trust that there is something under this weighted mass of questions and doubts that is worth the uncomfortable, faith compromising battle.

An author I am growing increasingly interested in is Brian D. McLaren. Many may know Brian for A new kind of Christian, written about the controversial topic of the postmodern church movement. I would assume many have conjectured that Brian is undoubtedly and without question off his rocker with regard to the way church should change with time. Some might even think McLaren is an enemy to the church.

All this to say that in reading through another of McLaren’s books, The Secret Message of Jesus, I read the following quote and conclude his sentiments parallel mine and my current chapter of life.

“Now believing in this sense is not primarily believing that. It is more a matter of believing in, which presupposes the most important things that one might believe anyway. It’s not simply believing this or that about God; it’s believing in God, or perhaps simply believing God with the kind of interpersonal confidence one has when saying, ‘I believe in my spouse.’ Equally, it’s not simply believing this or that about the good news of the kingdom; it’s believing in or having confidence in the good news of the kingdom” (McLaren, 2006, p. 108-109).

I maintain that I struggle with the details of the Scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, but I unequivocally believe in God and his son, Jesus Christ. I believe in God; I believe in Jesus. Sadly, I don’t know what to believe anymore about God; this is the voyage I am currently on. I believe in the good news. Unfortunately, I don’ t know what the details of the good news is anymore; these are the questions I’m asking.

In conclusion, I can no longer blindly believe in the things that have been passed down from church generation to church generation. I need more, I want to see the church come back to life and leave the dying ways in which it once lived. I suppose I might just be cursed.

Mclaren goes on to say, “How much must you believe? Is your believing disqualified if you have X number of doubts? These questions haunt all of us who are blessed and/or cursed with a highly reflective nature..”(McLaren, 2006, p. 109). I suppose at some point in our lives following Christ we must all ask the difficult questions about the details of our faith. I would argue that in avoiding any questioning or wondering in hope that you will avoid floundering as I am, you profess a faith you don’t completely comprehend and/or understand but walk blindingly without the strength gained from the “faith struggle” period of life. I encourage everyone to doubt.

In the hope that Christ will speak,
Amen.

McLaren, Brian. (2006). The Secret Message of Jesus: uncovering the truth that could change everything. W Publishing Group. Nashville, Tennessee.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Apathy

I used to think apathetic was a kind of lazy excuse people used because they wanted to do their own thing and not follow Christ. As of late, as I become more apathetic myself and befriend the feelings and emotions that are married to the word, I understand that apathy is simply a response to the desire to disconnect from the christiany words, ideas, and phrases that I’ve heard numerous times and am growing tired of. I suppose for everyone there is a time in life when everything they hear through the American Western church is tired, redundant and seemingly lifeless. I personally don’t want to hear the same old stuff anymore. Rituals and understanding we created as a country and inserted into the Christian church movement are dead to me. I want fresh, real and authentic appreciation. I want to break away as fast as possible from the Americanized church!.

I believe apathy, if planted correctly, is the seed that grows into new discovery.

Everything I thought to be true is currently in question. Every and all Christian behaviors once carried out under the understanding that I’m obeying God and doing what He desires of me don’t make much sense any longer. If anything, it all seems so hopelessly pointless. Am I going through the motions because that’s the teaching I’ve received from my interactions with Jesus or because that’s the way the institutional church does it?

If I were to rank myself on a spectrum from skeptic to devout Christian follower, I would undoubtably mark myself as a skeptic. Looking back over the last few weeks and months I’m not able to plainly see any reason why this questioning, wondering, and doubting has occurred. I can’t put my finger on anything; it makes no sense.

I went from trusting, believing, and understanding quickly to doubting, questioning, and loss of all understanding, with a side of complete dissatisfaction. Is there a cure to this spiritual ailment or must I accept my new identity as a doubtful skeptic?

I don’t want to be in this place. I want to be free of all this, content with the truth I was presented with years ago. But I can’t choose exactly where or what I am, I simply respond to situations I’m presented with the best I can with the information at hand, and at this time in my life this is where I am.

I do not understand why I doubt. For what I want to believe I can’t believe. And if I doubt and question, I agree that the truth has to be good. As it is, it is no longer my trust in Christ, but my trust in my cognitive, analytical abilities. When I want to simply believe, analyzing and intelligence manifest itself in doubt right there with me.


Deep within me I trust who God is, who Jesus is, and the message they both own. But everything in my being screams, “much of this doesn’t make any sense; there are questions that deserve response!?!” Apathy and I are now very close friends, dependent on one another for this current chapter of life.

At this point in time the remedy for this cold is not doing more, getting more involved, or blindly continuing spiritual disciplines... NO! Every moment I spend going through the motions is a moment of disgust with the Western church’s understanding that I want no part of.

Have mercy on me Lord, but please speak!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

What- no more Manna and Quail in 2009?

“A two-year drought, coming on top of widespread poverty, production disruptions and depleted food reserves, has plunged Southern Africa into its most serious food emergency in at least a decade. Nearly 16 million people in seven countries are at risk of starvation by the end of this year. Unless urgent measures are taken soon, cautions the World Health Organization, as many as 50,000 lives a month could be lost to malnutrition and disease” (Fleshman, 2002).


We live in a world where starvation and hunger are critical issues all over the developed and undeveloped parts of the globe, though primarily in the latter. The statistics are heartbreaking:

• 923 million people across the world are hungry and dying (Briefing Paper Hunger on the Rise, 2008).


• Every five seconds a child dies from hunger-related causes equaling around 16,000 children per day (Black, Morris, & Bryce, 2003).


• In 2005, almost 1.4 billion people lived below the international poverty line, earning less than $1.25 per day (Global Purchasing Power, 2008).


These are all God’s children suffering and dying because of lack of food, which manifests itself in chronic undernourishment and vitamin or mineral deficiencies. These deficiencies cause stunted growth, weakness and heightened susceptibility to illness, and ultimately, death (Are we on track to end hunger?, 2004).

These facts and the idea that many of God’s children are suffering in ways that lead to horrendous and uncomfortable deaths does beg the question: why is God not supplying them with the nourishment they need?

You may be forming a response to that question in your mind right now. It probably sounds similar to these: God uses his Body around the world to care for the poor and needy- we are God’s hands and feet- "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?" (James 2:15-16) Or, another may be they are being punished for their sins (though this would be a difficult pill for me to swallow).

I do believe we are called to aggressively care for our brothers and sisters around the world, and I also understand that many of us are actively pursuing these ends through whatever means we have available, but the question still looms overhead: why is God not supplying them with the nourishment they need?

During the Exodus, God is quoted saying to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people with gather enough for the day” (16:4), “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites... At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God. (16:12)” God goes on to provide Manna and Quail for those with Moses. Moses, during what seems like a difficult conversation with his followers says, “You will know that it was the Lord when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him” (16:8).

I will draw the conclusion, then, that the Israelites grumbled, moaned, and cried out to God for nourishment- food, sustenance. They prayed according to his will and he heard them, and if they knew that he heard them, they knew they would have what they asked for (1 John 5:14), and they did. God’s response was providing them with Manna and Quail for six days straight! The only stipulation was that the people must gather what they can eat in one day and not an ounce more.

Due to the Israelites greed, they did, in fact, gather more than their daily needs. What they didn’t eat was kept in secret until the next day, but when they returned to their hidden treasure it was covered with maggots and was uneatable- whoops.

We see another example with Jesus in the Gospel. After Jesus withdrew by boat to spend time alone, he arrived at shore where large crowds of followers were waiting. The dialogue between Jesus and his disciples went like this:

“As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, ‘This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.’

Jesus replied, ‘They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.’

‘We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,’ they answered.

Bring them here to me,’ he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children” (Matthew 14:15-21).


Two great examples of how God can provide food for his people.

Seeing the hand of God work so intimately with the Israelites and the followers of Jesus shows his care and ability for his children across the board from the Old Testament to the New. His word claims dozens of times throughout how much he cares for his people. Making it clear that I can and never will understand the mind of God and knowing that he works intermittently, almost arbitrarily, and in strange ways that I can’t comprehend, I voice that I am struggling with the idea that he has provided nourishment for his people during the Exodus and in the Gospel but doesn’t -at least in any apparent and dramatic way- provide food or his people now.

The argument against this can’t be that this happened in the Old Testament/ covenant and when the New Testament/ covenant was created his desire and/or ability to noticeably distribute food dissolved. I can’t wrap my heard around the idea that the New Testament, filled with Jesus' love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness -especially towards the poor and needy- blocks God’s hand from raining down Manna and Quail for those in countries where kids are dying in the tens of thousands per day.

I don’t think that the free-will argument works here. I suppose we could claim that the dictators, leaders, and government in many of these undeveloped countries made the free will decision to hoard all supplies provided by others, like the U.S., to their particular area for themselves, thus removing any possibility of their people having their basic food and water needs met. I can understand that ones free will to do what’s best for themselves effects the surrounding community. I even understand that, fundamentally, whoever is in charge of many of these governments are not working with their eyes set on Jesus, or any ethical value system in place whatsoever.

I don’t think that the good-things-come-out-of-bad-circumstances argument works here either. What’s that look like: God had to allow these 50,000 people in Africa to die of dysentery or malnutrition because we Americans needed some cause to serve as followers of Christ? I don’t know if that sits well with me. I understand that from bad events can come great, amazing, God inspired things, but that doesn’t answer the very real question posed. It’s not about looking at the positive that comes from the negative; it’s about asking why God IS NOT providing - as the examples are set in Scripture - for his loving children who are in need.

Finally, the big-picture argument doesn’t cut it. I do believe God is in complete control of what is going on here on earth. I would argue that God does have the “big picture” of what has, is, and will be in his sight. I guess I would liken it to a large jig-saw puzzle. God created the puzzle so he knows when it’s fully constructed what it looks like. Unfortunately, we’ve all lost the box the puzzle came in so we’re just seeing one piece at a time. When we meet God, we too will see the big picture. But, I think it’s an easy out to say the issue at hand will be explained when we see the big picture (understand that I do realize it will click when we have this clarity but it’s a cop-out).

As Western Americans who have been born into mostly lower middle class up to high-class households we find it easy to say that this issue will be understood as the big picture is presented to us in Heaven. But if we were living in parts of the world where 16,000 of us were dying every day I would dare to say we wouldn’t simply accept this as fact. We would be asking some really difficult questions of our Creator. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of the Father. And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:29). What does that mean for hundreds of thousands of dying children across the globe- are they not worth more than a penny?

Any of these arguments could be used but I would conclude they are a cop-out to the answer of why God has not responded to his people in desperate need.

If my god is ignoring thousands upon thousands of people grumbling, moaning, and crying out to him for food, water, life... begging for nourishment so they may live for him and his glory...laying, dying on a dusty floor, covered in flies, energy-less, hopeless as their internal workings- their organs- eat themselves in an attempt to survive a day longer... I don’t know if I want follow for that god. I don’t know exactly how to find peace in this; there has to be some explanation. Should I simply close my eyes and pretend this question isn’t right in front of me? Obviously I should be a part of the effort to help, but does that remove the wonder?

I will continue to look for answers and hope along the way I may find a glimpse into the why of what is happening around the globe. I have reservations with a defense against such a horrendous and clear disregard for the needs of God’s people. I might simply have to concede that there are no answers to why God ignores the physical needs of his children. Being a man that wants to know how things work, it is very difficult for me to be without an answer. Overall, I must remember that my finite mind can’t understand an infinite God, but is that enough?






Sources Cited:

Are We On Track To End Hunger? Hunger Report 2004. Bread for the World Institute. 2004.

Briefing Paper Hunger on the Rise: Soaring Prices Add 75 Million People to Global Hunger Rolls. Food and Agriculture Organization. 17 September 2008.

Global Purchasing Power Parities and Real Expenditures. The World Bank. 2005 International Comparison Program. August 2008.

Black, Robert, Morris, Saul, & Jennifer Bryce. Where and Why Are 10 Million Children Dying Every Year? The Lancet 361:2226-2234. 2003.

Millions threatened with starvation. Africa Recovery, Vol. 16 #2-3. September 2002.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Blank Pages:

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we picture it in our minds when growing up. Often times, it looks completely opposite of what we picture in our minds- a distant relative. Additionally, our worth does not come from the education we have, money we make, car we drive, or house we live in. Our importance doesn’t come from the friends we have or the groups we run with.

Life continues to amaze me. There are no easy answers. There is not an uncluttered path to walk from birth to death. We are all on the crazy ride of our lifetime. We’re writing on the blank pages of the unwritten chapters or our life stories, and waiting for them to be published.

And, here’s the question: When you are old and gray, sitting in your favorite leather recliner chair, sharing your life’s memories with your grand children, what kind of life do you want to have lived? What kind of stories do you want to be able to share? Stories of the things you could have done but didn’t, or stories of experiences and adventures you did do.

Would you like to be able to say you had a nice car, great house, huge salary, expensive clothes... or is there more? Adventures, life-altering struggles, pain that lead to growth, excitement, sadness, love, broken heart; what kind of life you do want to have lived?

Our time on this earth is short- there are no guarantees! I, for one, want to get up and move; I want to explore the world; I want to smile; I want to cry; I want to worship; I want to see the snow capped mountains of Nepal; I want to see the untouched corners of the world; I want to dog-sled through Greenland; I want to camp in the most remote areas of the earth; I want to grow in amazing understanding of who Christ is; I want to raise kids (and bring them in the mountains); I want to struggle; I want to fall just to get up again; I want to share my experiences; I want to be a good friend; I want to be a great husband; I want to grow old; I want to die; I want to meet Jesus; I want to be remembered.

What do you want your life’s story to look like?

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Monstrous Trust



Trust is an interesting concept. In many ways it seems to be an easy way out from underneath real understanding or a possible crutch. The question runs through my mind almost constantly: can we truly, genuinely, and with life changing results trust God with every and all things?

I’m perplexed by many of my brothers and sisters when throwing around the words, “just trust God... trust, man; just trust.” I completely grasp the idea being communicated to me but often get stuck with how simple they make it sound. Maybe it’s just me, but It’s not that easy! Maybe it’s easier for some over others. Maybe I’m in the minority here. It’s not easy to simply trust God: not doubt, not worry, not attempt to control, not do what I think is best, not rely on my abilities and mind. Trust is a five letter word that weighs close to a thousand pounds.

The Webster dictionary defines trust in two significant ways:

1) Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.



and 


2) Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation.

These two definitions stand out to me. Why? Because when looking through the lens of a lover and follower of Christ, I can’t help but see how these two statements essentially define my faith walk.

I believe it is important to note that in regard to number one above, Christ, God, and the Bible come to mind. As for number two, though we -as followers of Christ- do have significant evidence and we should be investigating and asking real questions of God, Christ, Scripture, and life’s events, we ultimately have to accept the foundational truth of the Gospel- Geneses to Revelation.

What would life be like if we could live simply under the umbrella of trust and faith without a moment of doubt or worry? Though I value highly the desire and ability to question the “facts” of Scripture and life, at some point, even with all the knowledge and understanding we humans can attain, we must simply believe and trust the word and promises of God. The transition from understanding and knowledge to trusting, living, and walking in faith and truth is a tough one. There is no simple path.

Scripture tells us to,

*“Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight” (Proverbs 3:5) 


*“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:3-4)


*“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid” (Psalm 56:3-4)


*“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me [Jesus]” (John 14:1)


Keeping these truths in mind, there is a story that sticks out in my heart- it’s the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These three men went against the government, law, tradition, and the system (Daniel 3:1-30), with the knowledge and understanding that king Nbuchadnezzar would be thoroughly unhappy with them and put them to death. They trusted in the Lord, waited patiently for Him, and walked boldly against what was incorrect or wrong in reverence and honor and glorification of God. The outcome: God blessed them for their trust.

“Then Nebuchadnezzar said, ‘Praise be to God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their God” (Daniel 3:28).

Their ability to trust baffles me. I understand it, but it’s beyond my comprehension the faith required. The willingness to be put to death in a furnace that was heated seven times hotter that normal (Daniel 3: 19), in one of the most - in my opinion- horrible ways possible to die, simply baffles me. These three guys had enough trust in God’s promises to make the statement, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king...” They don’t stop with the simple fact that God is going to rescue them. What statements they continue with show their ability to understand real, difficult, heartbreaking life as well. They go on to say, “But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your god or worship the image of gold you have set up” (Daniel 3:17-18). Yahtzee!

Incredible trust and faith! Their trust and faith was not based on the idea that they WERE going to be saved from the furnace or that in any way God was going to show up how they thought he should; their trust and faith was realistic- it was based on their belief that whatever happened God was going to walk beside them through it all. The outcome wasn’t guaranteed to be anything close to being saved from the furnace or not being killed all together.

Similarly, our trust doesn’t mean things are going to turn out the way we want or think they should. The picture many of us carry around in our minds of what life looks like- what job we should have, our financial situation, our spouse, where we live, our retirement fund, etc.- is certainly not the life you are going to live or what God has planned for us, but it does mean that God will walk beside us though everything and he will comfort, stretch, and grow us in ways that bring his name in the light and bring us to a place of deeper spiritual maturity.

Spiritual maturity comes in many ways, shapes, and forms. Real trust shows real maturity. I confess my inability to trust, often wanting to trust myself over the things I know to be truth and relying on God’s promises. When I pray about any particular thing, I often pray for clarity. I pray that things would be clear to me, that I would have an unambiguous, clear-cut, understandable picture as to what move I should make or direction I should take. The truth is, praying for clarity is not trusting. Praying for clarity is asking to be in control of whatever we need clarity on, wanting to understand the outcome instead of faithfully trusting that whatever the outcome, God’s in complete control.

In the book Ruthless Trust (2000) Brennan Manning shares a story that I believe speaks directly to this. It’s a story about ethicist John Kavanaugh and Mother Teresa when they met years back. Kavanaugh was on a three month visit to ‘the house of the dying’ in Calcutta while simultaneously seeking answers to what he should do with the rest of his life. During his first day there, Mother Teresa approached him and asked what she could do for him during his stay. Without a moments thought Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. The remaining dialogue went like this:

“‘What do you want be to pray for?’ she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: ‘Pray that I have clarity.’

She said firmly, ‘No, I will not do that.’ When he asked her why, she said, ‘Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.’ When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, ‘I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.’"


What a poignant, powerful reminder of the need to trust the promises of the God we claim to worship. Manning (2000) went on to say, “The first [clarity] is a matter of the head, the second [trust] a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change” (p. 6).

In conclusion, there is absolutely no easy way to trust; there is no formula for trust; there is no head knowledge trust; there is no pill we can take that will allow us to trust; there is no self-help book that will allow us to trust. It’s a matter of faith; it’s a matter of truth. We can only understand trust by trusting, by seeing what God does with our trust.

“Put trust in God first. Our Lord never put His trust in any person. Yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, and never lost hope for anyone, because He put His trust in God first. He trusted absolutely in what God’s grace could do for others. If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone. I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be- absolutely perfect and right. Never trust anything in yourself or in anyone else, except the grace of God” (Chambers).

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Repression's Ghost

Life is a ongoing process of learning about ourselves, the world surrounding us, and the Almighty God, and how He relates to us, all the while excepting our brokenness and embracing the love and grace of Jesus. Throughout my personal pursuit of life’s answers I’ve spent significant time investigating the psychology of humans and the relationship between childhood, early adolescence, and early adulthood up-and-to full adulthood. Currently, I am pondering Even farther along the road less traveled, by Dr. Scott Peck (1993), who writes about the ghost of our young lives’ repression of memories we’ve blocked out, consciously or subconsciously. Peck goes on to say unaddressed childhood issues which have been repressed manifest themselves as ghosts of our past here now in the future, poking their head out in our lives at the most inappropriate times and causing our behavior to be dictated by forgotten past memories.

We may not realize or remember the experience or experiences which were repressed of any particular event or period of time, but these things- or the repression of these things- deeply affects us here in the present, every and all days we continue to live. I see the signs of repression in others around me and I tremble for them; I see the possibility of this in myself and I cringe for fear of the absolute unknown in my life.

“It is possible to push a memory of something that happened to us out of our consciousness. We cannot consciously remember it, but it doesn’t go away when we do this. In fact, it becomes a ghost that haunts us and makes things worse than if we remembered it...

It is possible, for instance, for woman who have been repeatedly sexually molested- week after week after week for a period of two or three years by their fathers or step fathers- to actually forget that. They can’t even remember that it even happened, because they have repressed it. But these woman end up in therapy, usually because the relationships they are trying to form with men in their lives are abominable. That early experience, which they cannot remember, continues to haunt them” (Peck, 1993, p.45-46).

The idea that many of us are carrying wounds around with us day in-and-out without conscious knowledge of these wounds, with actions and behavior being highly influenced by them, with continual negative life events and experiences affected due to them brings me to my knees in tears because many are missing out on real, tangible, life changing healing.

Is there a fix for each of us? Are we addressing our issues, our past? Are we getting the help we need? Are we walking boldly into healable wounds or are we walking away from them and disregarding them in fear?

I understand many of us are scared to open our can of worms- many horrible memories still affecting us to this day. We fear the unknown. We’ve ignored or repressed the past, we’ve been able to forget. Shouldn’t we just move on?

I don’t think any of us have truly forgotten. I don’t think it’s about forgetting. Even when it comes to forgiving another, scripture doesn’t tell us to forget. The old American adage “forgive and forget” is incorrect. There may be a wrong, there may be something to forgive, but it’s not about forgetting- it’s not about suppressing, it’s about addressing. It’s about being authentic and real while looking honestly at the wound. Are we walking a path towards healing? Is it time to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus into the unknown of our past- I believe it is.

Repressing consciously or unconsciously our past has detrimental effects on our present and future. Our enemy - the devil- hides in the shadows waiting. He’s waiting to pounce. What he would like the most is for us to pretend everything is OK, to continue to stumble around fixable wounds, to move on without fully understanding our lives and what has made us the way we are. Conversely, I believe our loving Father-God wants us to honestly and truly walk in the freedom of Christ, and it’s my believe that understanding and bringing healing to our past allows us to worship, love, care for, show mercy, forgive, and live for Christ in the present in a more complete and whole fashion.

The enemy wins when we don’t claim the truth, walk in the light, and open the door to our past while Jesus holds us tight, affirming softly that “everything is going to be OK, we are going to do this together.”

I would argue that many of us neglect the need for help for we don’t believe we are worthy of being helped, possibly we don’t feel important or loved, or there are simply too many issues to wade through. God’s truth, however, speaks louder than the external propagandized voice many of us have heard since birth. We are the Beloved of the living God!

As followers of Christ we walk in a cloud of constant bombardment of negative words and ideas pitched to us by the enemy as he roams around trying to knock us off our path of healing. We are living in a world that screams, “You are no good, you are ugly, you are worthless, despicable, you are nobody.” With these words often working diligently to drown out the Spirit whispering in our ear, we are of course going to ignore our need for better self love and understanding.

But the truth speaks louder than this negativity. Luckily, there is a much louder, softer, warmer, and welcoming voice within us all. The voice of Jesus.

Are you going to venture into the unknown with Jesus? There is healing, there is new life. You are the Beloved. You are worthy of a new beginning. You are dearly loved. Walk boldly.


References:

Nouwen, H. (1992). Life of the Beloved. New York, New York: Crossroads publishing.

Peck, S. M. (1993). Further along the road less traveled. New York, New York: Touchstone publishing.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Captions Included



I am often perplexed by my constant desire to lie. These lies are not lies about wealth, size of my home, type of car I drive, or any of the objects that much of our society gauges its value on, but lies by omission, leaving out details that I have deemed make me less than what God promises I am, concluding that if listeners hear detailed truth they may paint an inaccurate picture of who I am.

Oswald Chambers writes, “Another thing that distracts us is our passion for vindication. St. Augustine prayed, ‘O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.’ Such a need for constant vindication destroys our soul’s faith in God. Don’t say, ‘I must explain myself,’ or ‘I must get people to understand.’ Our Lord never explained anything- He left the misunderstandings or misconceptions of others to correct themselves (My Utmost for His Highest, 1995, p. Nov 23).

What if, instead of trying to add captions to all the truths of who I am in a way that gives definition to the “why” or “what” I’m doing or not doing in life at this current season, I simply tell the truth of where God has me currently, and if people judge, misunderstand, or misconceive, like Jesus, I’ll let others correct themselves. And that will be that.

mann

Monday, November 3, 2008

God's Politics


Outlawing the Symptom: Our Broken Abortion Strategy

by Matthew Dunbar 11-03-2008

Every election year the urgent call to vote our evangelical pro-life values is sent out to all the faith. Yet this imperative isn’t reflected in the record of the officials given the mandate to end abortion in this country. Nor does the court-centric strategy reflect the very real complexities of the issue.

Since the early 1980s, the only strategy adopted to tackle the problem has been to elect Republican presidents every four years to appoint conservative justices to the Supreme Court. This strategy is based on the false belief that overturning Roe v. Wade would outlaw abortion. The truth is much more complicated.

Overturning Roe v. Wade would only shift the onus onto the states. As a result, the strategy would shift from a federal focus to a state-by-state strategy, which would require electing conservative governors, legislatures, and justices to create new individual state laws. Not only would this strategy take unknown years to accomplish, but its effectiveness is highly questionable.

States that attempt to pass restrictive abortion legislation already tend to have low abortion rates. Larger states, where the majority of abortions take place, are far less likely to pass restrictive laws. In addition, individuals can also cross state lines. Thus, Roe v. Wade’s demise would result in a minimal reduction in the actual abortion rate.

The question still remains: Do those elected to fight for the rights of the unborn truly work to change the laws, or have they simply used the issue to galvanize Christian collective action every four years? History shows the rhetoric doesn’t match the record.

For example, the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which effectively banned a procedure used in late-term abortion, is commonly touted as a victory for the pro-life movement. In truth, by banning a single procedure rather than the practice of late-term abortions themselves, the procedure is merely replaced by others that may be more dangerous for the woman. The net result is a reduction of potentially zero abortions.

Also, when Justice Samuel Alito was appointed to the Supreme Court, the pro-life movement considered it a major victory. However, from January 2006 when Alito was sworn in to January 2007 when the Democrats took control of Congress, the “pro-life” Republican Party held control of all three branches of the U.S. government; Roe v. Wade was not overturned and no major legislation was passed.

As an evangelical who believes life begins before birth, I believe our presumed party alliance has become an abusive relationship. If we as followers of Christ truly believed in the agenda of life, why have we not taken seriously the proven correlation between poverty and increased abortion rates? Why have we not spoken out on supportive health care for women and children? Why have we not cried out about preventative education to minimize unplanned pregnancies that frequently lead to termination? And why, oh why, do we not see war, torture, creation care, or the death penalty also as fundamental issues of life?

The question is, will evangelicals expand their understanding of social influences and actually work towards healing the causes, or just wait around to outlaw the symptom?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Confirmation!

"It is not enough to try to imitate Christ as much as possible; it is not enough to remind others of Jesus; it is not enough to be inspired by the words and actions of Jesus Christ. No, the spiritual life presents us with a far more radical demand: to be living Christs here and now, in time and history."
-The Selfless Way of Christ, Henri Nouwen

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Vote Republican?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Being more important than doing?

Is being more important than doing? I’ve been reading one of Henry Nouwen’s masterpieces titled Adam, written during and after Nouwen’s time at L’Arche assisted living facility. Adam was a young 22 year old in desperate need of a “helper” to assist him in the little details of life. Tasks such as getting out of bed, cleaning and washing, getting dressed, transportation, and all other things that go along with living. Amongst the many things Adam had trouble with, one was that he couldn’t speak. He was unable to communicate through words with those around him, which made it unquestionably difficult for him to live within community.

One of the most present people around Adam was Henry Nouwen. Nouwen writes about the amazing nonverbal impact Adam had in his life during his time living life with Adam. Something that literally jumps off the page and smacks readers in the mouth speaks into the truth of the core of who we are, and what we are all so desperate in trying to prove to one another, society and culture as a whole.

“‘Being is more important than doing.’ While I [Nouwen] was preoccupied with the way I was talked about or written about, Adam was quietly telling me that ‘God’s love is more important than the praise of people.’ While I was concerned about my individual accomplishments, Adam was reminding me that ‘doing things together is more important than doing things alone.’ Adam couldn’t produce anything, had no fame to be proud of, couldn’t brag of any award or trophy. But by his life, he was the most radical witness to the truth of our lives that I ever encountered.” -Adam, 1996.


I 100% concur with Nouwen’s sentiments; he’s right on- being is more important than doing. How many of us constantly strive to “make a name for ourselves?” I would conclude that most of us- at some point- have tried or are actively trying to have our name carry some sort of performance, achievement, or ability weight.

What would it look like if we were not looking to make a name for ourselves, but lived under the giant umbrella of God’s truth in who we are? What would life look like if we were not attempting to put our name above God’s?

I believe our thoughts would echo Adam and Nouwen’s. I would argue that God’s love is more important than the praise of people, yet we hopelessly attempt to gain others' opinions before God’s (maybe because it's tangible). And, in that argument I would pose the question: why do we all so desperately want to appease the people around us over or before God?

Let’s live together in community, lifting one another up in love, all the while living under that wonderful umbrella of God’s love- we are dearly and deeply loved by our Father. We are His beloved. Please let no voice speak louder than the voice of our God.

Being is more important than doing.

Amen.